Mizpah

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Do you remember in grammar school when getting a Mizpah necklace from your best friend was the coolest thing? I thought it meant that part of you belonged to someone else, that whomever had the other half felt the exact same way you did and that you could count on them FOR LIFE.

Well, needless to say I have no idea who has the other half of the Mizpah that I received in 4th grade - but I am sure at the time I loved them with all my heart.

As I have been sitting here doing my best to observe all of the debris from the past weeks, months. I have found myself split in two. One part a sobbing, physically weak confused person who feels the weight of her alone-ness like an elephant sitting on her chest every morning. The other part a logical, methodical, spiritually awakening woman who is saying "everything is all right".

The latter woman also says - go ahead and cry, you've been here before and you'll get to the other side. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Meanwhile my sobbing self wants to tell her to shut the hell up - because she has no idea how to fix this and I don't want to "get to the other side" - I want to go back and make none of it happen in the first place. I want to go back!!! I don't want to be HERE!

Generally I will call her a few choice names and then I will revisit old emails from my ex, I will write him new ones - I will bathe in the drama of heartbreak. I'll look at great pictures from my cafe, try to figure out how I can whip that or some version of it back into shape - I will remember that the home that I love is being packed up and that I have no idea where I will be one month from now and then I will sob.

When I was done with that practice last night I got a call from a friend that I have had for over 30 years, We have a great way of wading into each other's lives at just the right moment and last night was no exception.

He was telling me about a friend of his who is always miserable and he said - I wanted to say to her - look at Katrin **and this is what got me** "her life is terrible right now" - and with all of the shit going on in her life she is still laughing with me on the phone.

Sooooo - I had to correct him.

Because as soon as he said  "her life is terrible"  I knew INSTANTLY that was un-true. So I told him. I actually  have the best life ever - I am the most fortunate person I have ever known. I have the best, most loving, generous and kind family and friends that any person could ever imagine. And I listed ALL of the amazing things that are happening RIGHT now - I felt pretty great.

The elephant that had taken up residence on my chest went for a walk -

I started to really observe the duality I had created in my self .

When I started this post - pre-awesome conversation with great friend - I thought of the Mizpah for my broken heart. I assumed it was my sobbing self that had that bright idea - however when I looked up the definition I was surprised to find out that my "you are exactly where you are supposed to be self" that had that little nugget of magic up her sleeve.

Mizpah is Hebrew for "watchtower." to commemorate a promise, even though no person was present other than the two people when it was made. It was  also agreed that they would consider the mizpah a border between their respective territories, and  would not pass the watchtower to visit one another "to do harm" (Genesis 31:52).
The mizpah has come to connote an emotional bond between people who are separated either physically or by death.  "The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another" (Genesis Genesis 31:49)

I quickly realized that it is the Mizpah that is within me. I have made a promise to allow for the territories to exist between these two parts of myself. That I will allow each side to do their work. That although I feel separated from my self at times, the watchtower exists. I cannot allow one side to take over the other to harm the process that is afoot. 

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

I am in the middle of the ride - it's equally terrifying and exciting. It is now no surprise to me that I love roller coasters - 

When I get to the top of the first crest of the first fall of the biggest coaster - I am terrified - I am regretting the decision to get on the thing to begin with.  I start to think of the probability of the ride breaking apart, and that I will die on it - I think about how stupid I was to even get on it to begin with - I think of how I could get off - how can I get back - and then in one short second...

I am taking my hands from the bar, hands in the air - feeling the rumbling - the wind - the terror and the the delight and I know everything - everything is going to be all right. 

and she knew she was where she was supposed to be 
#and she was