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Through the latest transition of my life, what seems to have been the biggest – and the most
profound. The last 5 months have brought me to a place of observation, of quiet
and explosive observation. The only thing I can equate it to is that I feel
like I am being thrown a surprise party several times a week!
I wake up
with no real idea of what will unfold, with excitement for all the possibilities
of what may – and out into the world I go.
I have felt
somewhat smug in the last month feeling like “I got this” - kind of having
found the key to ALL of it – and I am laughing to myself even as I write those
words.
Then last week a
couple of things bitch slapped me in the face.
I started to
look at that hamster wheel that I had jumped right the fuck off of in January and
I remembered some of the things I loved about it – like the high of running at lightning
speed – being the “Impossible Girl”.
I liked – (like) – being known to have done
the impossible. It was like I was lusting over a past lover that I had
sensational sex with– a past narcissistic, abusive lover that nearly killed me
-deciding to remember ONLY the sex and NOT the insanity.
So, as I was
fantasizing about this hamster wheel, I decided to test the bounds of space and
time to get 4 or 5 things completed at once, before making an hour drive to my
son’s soccer game. “I got this” right – I can pretty much do just about
anything, I mean really, I can do everything – right?
I got a
little lost in this little fantasy.
I was not
paying attention to myself when I realized I was going in the WRONG direction
on an escalator. *Footnote this was the same exact escalator where 30 years ago
I got my right foot caught in it and had to be taken out of the mall in an
ambulance – yes that did an awful lot for my 13-yr. old self esteem.
So, I
realize this and DECIDE – yes DECIDE that I will run – yes RUN up the escalator
in the OPPOSITE direction. Why? Because I can do anything – I can go backward –
while moving forward. …
My bestie –
the Universe said – “hey sweet cheeks – maybe this isn’t a good idea”
I ran faster
– harder – I was going to beat this fucking escalator and I was going to WIN!!!
I CAN GO
FORWARD WHILE GOING BACKWARDS…!
Not so
gently the next time the aforementioned bestie said – “hey – fuck nut – knock it
off”
I responded
with equal vigor
I CAN GO
FORWARD WHILE GOING BACKWARDS…!
A funny thing
happens when you flip off the universe – it very quietly says “ok”
And with one
very ridiculous fell swoop, I face planted. I tore my hand apart, I smashed
both of my knees, my ankles and elbows for good measure. I have the imprint of
the escalator tracks running down my shin.
To top it
all off, my Ganesh key chain charm ripped off the keys and tumbled down the
stairs – “how’s that for removing all blockages sweetie pie” it totally yelled
out at me!
I was embarrassed
– bleeding PROFUSELY – and then it came. The laughter – the uncontrollable
laughter. I could not even STAND myself – I wished someone that I knew was
there to witness it. But really it was just a bunch of strangers that thought
that I probably just escaped from a loony bin…
I got the
message –
There is
only one direction my dear– it’s forward. It doesn’t matter if you find yourself in
the place that you had been in the past – you are there NOW, only NOW.
I can look
back at the “Impossible Girl” and let her know – looking back is ok – going back
is not an option. I can absolutely take the best of my past and lovingly bring
it forward. But there is no going backwards.
Fighting
against the stream – or the escalator – will tire you. It will leave you on
your knees, bleeding and bruised. You can get up again and again, fighting it
every day. Before long your legs will give out and you will sit on that stair as it
moves you along in the direction you were meant to be going all the while.
We have this
one life, the one that is now. When we are running in the opposite direction we
are missing all of what is a head of us.
We are the
stream, we are the forward momentum. Even when it feels like a familiar
experience as a past one – it is new, it is NOW. So, live it, experience it
and love it.
