Everything Must Go

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Today is a day - like many others I have been lucky enough to experience in my short life. My world, is in demolition mode.  The studs are being torn down today - the frame, the joints and the roof is being ripped off. 

So, Lucky? Yes,

When I look at my life, I have never done anything just a little. I jump BIG - often with no net - and some of those jumps are leg breaking or just free falls. But the big ones - the REALLY BIG ones have been beautiful, fantastic fireworks that explode in my heart over and over.

Seven years ago I was in the middle of a terrible divorce. All that I had known about myself and my life was gone. Demolition. That demolition however, was more like a tornado - there was no GM overseeing this project. I had no control over the parts of my life that were being tossed all over the city. I lost myself. I heard the primal rhythm of the tunnel chasing me, I was terrified and I was swallowed by the fierce and unrelenting storm.

After a couple of years I had gathered enough energy to start again. Not start over - just to start. And now five years later here I am again in demolition mode.

Over the last three months, my relationship, my business and my home have systematically been removed from my life. One by one.

I left a stable job to start my own business - one that I really new very little about. Although I had worked in food service for over 20 years, I never ran my own kitchen. What I did know then and what I know now - is that I could trust my self.

And I did it - I did it really well. For five years I have owned a business that has fed so many people, with food, with amazing art work, with music and with friendship. I loved every single moment - even and especially the really hard ones. Today - that cafe will close.

Shortly after I started the cafe - I met my last partner. We were instantly and intensely joined. At one point we had been engaged, until we weren't. We lived together, until we didn't and we loved each other until he stopped.

I moved to Albany with my then fiance, for the cafe and for him. Now that both are gone - my home decided joined the movement.

Some may say this is too much - all at once, I am part of that some - some days - but some days I am thankful and excited about what is next. It is all clearing - like getting ready for a colonoscopy, I have to let all of that shit go. Everything, everything must go.

This time around, I feel that primal rhythm, I hear the tunnel coming - but I have no fear. This tornado is inside me, I recognize the sounds and the feelings - I have the equipment to harness this storm.

When there is nothing left - anything is possible.

And she was ready.  #andshewas